**One of Tom's final wishes before his death was to write one more article for the Asheville Citizen-Times, and to edit a version of it for the St. James Episcopal Church newsletter. He asked that the St. James version of the article be posted here after his death. Tom died gently and peacefully at the Hospice Elizabeth House in Hendersonville, NC on January 24th, 2013. A memorial service will be held Monday, January 28th, at 3pm at St. James Episcopal Church in Hendersonville.**
This is my last article for the St. James Epistle. I
developed pneumonia in early January and I did not recover fully. By the time
you read this, I may be dead. I realize that is blunt, but I want to be clear.
Here are a few thoughts before I go.
I would like to thank Amy Williford, the editor of the
St. James Epistle, for reminding me each month when my article was due and
being gracious about it when it was late. Thank you to all of my St. James
family. You have given me the love of God these last six years that I have been
ill. You have been Jesus to me and I have been Jesus to you. You fed me when I was hungry, comforted me
when I was lonely, gave me shelter when I was lost, and befriended me when I was dying. You have
sacrificed yourselves in a hundred little ways and brought healing. You have
been magnificent.
I decided not to get a tracheostomy and ventilator
because I would had to move away. A feeding tube crisis in December convinced
me I needed to stay near friends who could help me. I had made bold statements
about living as long as God could use or teach me. They were modified by my
fear of dying alone.
Why didn't God heal me? I prayed fervently and
frequently for my healing, as did many others, but healing did not come.
Perhaps God saved me from the Alzheimer's disease that started to take away my
mother's mind when she was my age. Perhaps God taught me to find hope in hard
times. Perhaps God could use me best as a man who is dying rather than living.
I am not afraid of dying and death. I am not afraid of
dying because I am in hospice care. The caring and professional staff will make
sure I die in comfort and dignity. I am not afraid of death because I am in the
care of God who has promised my resurrection to eternal life.
I feel sad about leaving my daughters and their
futures behind. They will be sad I will not be there for their weddings,
children and love. I hope they will take comfort in the words of C.S. Lewis,
"there are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."
My daughters, Emma and Catherine, were tucking me in
bed here at hospice and Catherine was concerned about the position of my head
on the pillow. She asked, "is your head in a good place?" As soon as
she said it we all laughed at the double meaning. Yes, Emma and Catherine and
everyone, my head is in a good place. Thanks be to God. Amen.
