Two Women Give Me a Shocking Experience!

I went to my ALS Clinic to get a nerve conduction test back in December. The test was to determine if I was a candidate for a Diaphragm Pacing System which is something like a pacemaker for my lungs. The test involved putting electrodes on my ribs and shocking a nerve in my neck. The shock was noticeable but not bad. I have done worse to myself when I replaced a wall outlet but forgot to flip the circuit breaker. That should explain my decision not to be an electrician.

The doctor and the nurse who administered the test were women. My arm was in the way when they put the electrodes on my ribs, so the attractive nurse who was assisting held my arm. She was also turning dials so she put my hand on my knee. At some point during the test I realized that a woman had placed my hand on her knee and another woman was shocking me with an electric current. This was a mixed message, to say the least. I have the following thoughts:

(1) I am sorely tempted to make a broad philosophical statement about the behavior of women. I will abstain because I am the father of two women, have many female friends, and most of my nursing home caregivers are women. Any such statement could be injurious to my health. Suffice it to say I have dated women like this. Ouch.

(2) I will never put my hand on a woman's knee again. Having reached that conclusion, I think we may have an addition to high school sexual abstinence programs. Bring teenaged boys one by one into a dimly lit room and seat them next to an attractive young lady. Turn on some mellow jazz heavy on saxophone. As soon as the boy touches the young lady on the knee or anywhere else, zap him. Repeat until the boy runs screaming from the room. In no time, the rate of teenaged pregnancies will drop, all the high school sports teams will have more than enough players, and stock in the electric company will see a meteoric rise. If we elect enough Republicans this Fall, I will present this idea before Congress.

(3) There may be a wee bit of exaggeration in this article. The staff at my ALS Clinic always treats me professionally and with care. I wish I had said to the attractive nurse, "I realize you are married, but when I had my hand on your knee I could swear I felt electricity!" I hope she reads this and laughs.

In other news, please help me raise money for the Jim "Catfish" Hunter (NC) Chapter of the National ALS Association. The Catfish Chapter is having a Walk to Defeat ALS in Charlotte on April 28th. Come join me at the Walk, contribute money for the cause, or become a fundraiser yourself. To find out how to do these things, contact me at tmswift1 at gmail.com. Thank you!

(This article first appeared in the Asheville, NC Citizen-Times newspaper.)